It's time I celebrate my Grandfather’s Life
Many of you might not know that my grandfather passed away on 7th March 2024. It was unexpected, even though he was of an age where we can expect death to knock on the doors at any moment. But even then, it was very unexpected for me, and even when he was admitted in the ICU my conscious brain never suggested to me that he would not be able to make it. He did come out of the ICU and lived his last days in the comfort of our home near his big garden. But I wasn’t there with him.
In Hyderabad when I got to know he is admitted, I would think he was just gone for an outing since he is not able to go to 5-star resorts, staying at a 5-star hospital would help him get the change he might enjoy and get him a lot of people to take care of him.
I was very, very close to my grandfather and I am still very close to my grandmother. I grew up with them and I still remember telling God to give my life to my grandparents in equal share. Because I could never imagine my life without them. All the kindness, humility, and love I have for people, comes from them. I was brought up in a well-to-do family, got a good education, and have the right and resilient mindset because of my grandfather. If he hadn’t worked so hard in his childhood to be in the position he achieved, I wouldn’t have been like this pouring my feelings on my blog page and living the life I am right now which I feel so proud of.
I started this channel on YouTube and uploaded many videos of his which he would be so enthusiastic to shoot with me. He would call me at sharp 5 pm if that was the time I promised him to start shooting videos.
He was a great foodie and loved eating spicy food too. He used to get so excited eating South Indian food or sweet dishes like kheer or jalebi.
I was not really prepared to let him go. I thought he would watch me grow much older and he would see me in a better position. It's almost a month now and I still think he hasn’t gone. He is still sitting in my home in Delhi.
I never lost someone so close to me and so losing him is bringing those emotions out in me that I never knew people had. Like even writing all this down my hands are just shaking continuously, tears rolling down unstoppably and maybe it is happening because it is like I am facing the truth of him actually not being there with me now.
I have a very close friend who lost her mother when she was in 8th standard and her dad when she was in college second year. I can’t fathom how she dealt with the complex emotions of losing someone so close. I really wish God would comfort all those who deal with these situations and be their guiding light to lead the rest of their lives being an inspiration to others.
My only regret which I can’t come over is that I was staying in Hyderabad and was not there with him, closer to him, holding his hand in his last moments. I thought so much about myself that I thought living alone would help me in a lot of ways personally. This selfishness of mine made me lose 20 months I could have lived with him and given him the smile and comfort I used to give him by staying with him and making tea for him or shooting videos for him or watching Mr Bean.
I didn’t know he would go so soon. I had even planned that after some time I would come back to stay in Delhi to be with my grandfather and grandmother. They used to miss me so much and by leaving them to come here I just left them with loneliness and longing for me. They would want to talk with me so many times on call but I wouldn’t be able to call them at their specific times since I would be busy with the office or engaged with some work here.
I should have never left them alone. I am trying to still process the fact that he isn’t there with me and I can’t apologize to him for not having met him also when he was admitted or in pain at home. I can’t make it up to him by making some good garden videos with him. What was the point of me visiting him when he was gone already?
From today onwards I would add one more God I pray to and it would be him. I believe in him more than any other god right now. And if he is still watching over me and blessing me from wherever he is, I would just want him to really forgive me for leaving him alone when he would have needed me so much around him.
I wish I could do much more for you. There is not even a single day I haven’t shed a tear missing you Dadu. I was so grateful to have you in my life and losing you was something I never imagined at all.
All those people who knew him would know the greatness he lived his life with.
I thought the best way to face the grief would be for me to celebrate his life and the teachings he would have loved to impart to me as his granddaughter and all the young people. Maybe that way I can feel less regretful and live my life how he would have loved to see me like.
I would love for people to read his biography which is written in our mother tongue Hindi. One day I will translate his book to English so that a wider audience can get to read it.
I am unable to write more at the moment but I will soon be sharing really great learnings, principles and values he has shared with me in my next blogs. I hope you guys love it!
Keep smiling Dadu, I am sure you are at a wonderful place watching over all of us and your garden too!
