Its how you wish to see it
For a long time, I tried accepting an ending of something in a good light because that is how I felt I did justice to the immense amount of time and emotions I had invested in it. I am a person who won’t be able to stay angry for long or can even hate someone. And so when it came to hating or staying angry at someone who I had loved so much, I realized I wasn’t able to do it because every time I would put the memories in a good light and perspective, it made it harder for me even to see the reality.
Not seeing the reality caused me to stay attached to the pain and find flaws in everything I did or said. I would end up putting myself back in the toxic cycle and idealizing the situation and the characters in it. I would even be ready to ignore how it would keep me bleeding at the end, as I was so used to thinking a certain way and kept on normalizing it to make it work. I felt adjusting and accepting was a part of all that. Little did I realize then, that, at certain times your love for someone can cloud your judgments to an extent like that, and even the fact that you want to make it work so badly that would make you want to cross such great lengths that you also fail to see what the other person isn’t doing for you. You just keep on understanding, and understanding, and don’t realize that a threshold has been crossed. You will not be told however by anyone else, but the symptoms will be shown to you where you would start getting triggered by the words/actions/tone of the person involved, you won’t be able to let go of certain underlying issues and then it will surface in the so-called ‘stupid arguments'.
Stupid arguments will only separate those who wanted to leave in the first place.
I was in such a toxic sphere 5 months ago that even coming out of it didn’t help me instantly. I couldn’t just let go of all the manipulations and gaslighting I had been subjected to. I had even lost my sense of self; I had forgotten all the fundamental core beliefs I had for my life. I couldn’t make sense of what is right or wrong exactly. I was just so hurt and broken, and not because of being left alone, but after realizing how convenient it becomes for people to use you because they know your weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
A year back or two, I would not have felt that sharing something like this on my blog page was a good idea. But then I have seen and met people who do lose their sense of self and identity after similar instances and if I could share what helped me come out of this would even help a single person then I will feel that my sharing this has served its purpose. Only I know the nights I have spent trying to accept that what I thought in my head was companionship and love was just a convenience-based relationship for someone else. And trust me the worst feeling in this world is realizing that you have been used by someone when it was suitable for them and be thrown away when it became a little harder for them to make it work.
How could I even idealize something like this? I questioned my self-respect and sanity every day for even having a little bit of attachment to that situation.
That is why having a positive perspective of your bad times is not always good, one should have clarity of what exactly are they idealizing. Are those the learning experiences, the growth, or having lived that experience? What one goes through in a toxic situation should never be idealized by even a bit in your head, even if you identify yourself as an empathetic person. Your empathy should only allow you to forgive people but justifying and forgetting those acts should never be done out of emotions and empathy. Your mind should have a clear demarcation between what is wrong and what is right.
Your core beliefs and fundamentals should be in place, you should be clear with your boundaries and ground-zero rules in life. And for everyone, it will be different but it is important to know yours so that you are not left wondering what type of person you used to be and what is exactly black or white in this world which exists in grey.
